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Literature by Ampata

Writing Devious Collection by KerriganClearwater


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September 27, 2010
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I couldn't do it.

There I stood, knees wobbling, fingers trembling by the door of the room I couldn't bear to enter. It was difficult enough to keep myself from sobbing at the sight of his name on the plate by the door, written by a dying pen with an endeavor to perform the complete opposite of clarification, but I already understood it as it was plainly written. Did the color fade in correspondence with the pace of his life avulsion? I despised these thought spates. My mind would soon be flooded with questions. Why couldn't it have been me? A voice inside screamed as it kicked the walls of my mind, that shock pulsing through to my stomach and almost back up to my throat, but I wouldn't let it, not now.

I had to do it.

I peered around the door into the room, just enough to see him lying in bed as peacefully as he had ever seemed, his silent breathing calming my aching nerves. His back was turned to me; he was clutching the sheets to the point where his knuckles had been drained of all color, but I didn't notice until I was actually paying attention to something other than my own fear. He's not dead yet you idiot, that voice shouted. You still have your chance.

He slowly turned his head. I froze when his brown eyes met mine. They had never before been so dark. Never had his skin been so pale and fragile.

My heart sank when he forced a smile.

"Hi."

It was a struggle to make my way over to his bedside. The grip of reality was beginning to loosen itself of me. "Hi."

"How are you?" He whispered.

I laughed. "To hell with me, how are you feeling?" I asked as I touched the hand that had been so tightly clasped around the sheet. He released it enough to hold mine. I had never quite felt something so cold.

"I don't know. I can hardly feel anything." He laughed. My vision began to blur at the sound of his soft aching voice. My heart was breaking.

His smile faded. "Please don't be sad, I'll be alright." He tightened his grip on my hand. It had never shaken so much before.

"Yes, you will. You'll be just fine."

I stared at the enormous bandage that covered over most of the left side of his chest. It was still bloodstained. I'll never lie to you. I'll never hurt you in a way that will scar your heart. I had promised just as much. I was not always fond of keeping a promise that should have never been made, even if it was against my will.

I was there when the doctors told his parents the news, the terrible 'what-if' that gave me nightmares on cold rainy nights. He had always been there for me in one way or another when those stormy, eradicating nightmares occurred. After this day…not anymore. How could you be so selfish? That voice scolded inside my head. You've lost everyone you have ever loved; you've condemned him to death.

My reality trip was coming to an end, and so did the tears. I could not accept this. It would follow through just as whatever fate intended, and after everything was over I would watch time pass by aimlessly before my eyes without blinking or giving it a second thought. I could not decipher what was real anymore. He would be gone soon, and so I had to convince myself that he had never existed.

"Can I ask you something?"

His voice was hardly more than a hoarse whisper. I forced myself to nod.

"Can I see a smile?"

I don't know what made me so happy, but a wave of pure satisfaction swept over me in that moment. I held his hand up to my face, an icy sensation against my hot cheeks burning from the red of my guilt, remorse, regret. My tears dripped red with shame.

"If there is anything I'd want before I…well…it would be to see your face, to kiss you, and to say a prayer with you. There's nothing that would make me happier. I'm sorry if that was inappropriate."

"No, you're just being honest, it's okay."


The voice inside my head whispered those words over and over again like a curse forever engraved within the most treasured and most despised depths of my memory. I remember the day he spoke them to me, and I had never forgotten them.

My hand was shaking furiously while gripping his, and I bowed my head. Forgive me, God, forgive me for throwing away the gift you have given me.

His smile faded. He knew exactly what I had done.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." My voice cracked through the tears.

"For what?"

"I did this."

"No you didn't. I did. For you."

How could he smile through the agony? Of course, it wasn't his.

"You shouldn't of. You should have let me take responsibility for my own mistakes."

"But you know me, I'm selfish. I don't want to see you hurt. I want you perfect."

I lost it. Both my reality, and my best friend.

"Please don't ever leave me." He whispered as he stroked my dark hair.

I managed a small smile. "I can't. You're always with me. Even when your heart is damaged, I'll always find my way into it."

I would not recall the tears as they rolled down my cheeks. I ignored what I was doing, I had forgotten the spark that brimmed from his iris' as I leaned closer, I could not recall that there really was life in them as I felt his soft, faint breath upon my skin, and I could see nothing, control nothing more. His heart drew me in; my own beat furiously, knowing he was crawling further and further inside, transcending all throughout the entire expanse of it. My free will had been cut off. I was all for him. I gently touched his soft lips with my own. The bond that lasted to infinity.

He knew he was going to die. He didn't care. He had me.
Oi, this is what being in a nostlagic, melancholy mood does to you. I'm trying my best to expand my vocabulary, with the intent of seeming smarter than I actually am. :p Expect lots of things like this; I'm testing my writing abilities and attempting to expand my skill with the written word to some degree. Whether it's to a great extent or not, I don't care. It's just for the sake of practice, and so that's where all this is coming from.

All my works similar to this style, critique is requested, and greatly encouraged. It's not being written for the sake of personal pleasure, but personal growth. Help is appreciated. :)
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:iconrequiemsandreveries:
RequiemsandReveries Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011
Wow, near tears here
Reply
:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
I was pretty much in tears when I wrote it. :(
Reply
:iconrequiemsandreveries:
RequiemsandReveries Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011
Got quite a way with words
Reply
:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Really? or is that sarcasm? :O_o: I can never tell. :ohmygod:
Reply
:iconrequiemsandreveries:
RequiemsandReveries Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011
Really. As you get to know me, you'll find I cut right to the chase. No sugarcoating here, lol. All from love though, never meant to harm. But I tell it like it is. Looking forward to really digging in and reading your work and the new pieces to come
Reply
:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Haha, thanks. I've been trying to be a bit more tactful and subtle with my sarcasm, but when the opportunity arises...yeah you get the idea. Anyway, I appreciate all your comments, they mean a lot. :)
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:iconrequiemsandreveries:
RequiemsandReveries Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011
Anytime :)
Reply
:icondjchocolate-lover:
DJChocolate-Lover Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2010  Student General Artist
Oh wow, this is beautiful, in a completely sad way but you know, still beautiful
Reply
:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks :)
Reply
:icondarkestelemental616:
DarkestElemental616 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
What's a thought spate? That phrase confused me.
Reply
:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh, well a spate is like an explosion of something, and so I just was saying that the narrarator was having a rush of thought, or something like that.
Reply
:icondarkestelemental616:
DarkestElemental616 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh. Thanks! :)
Reply
:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
No problem. :)
Reply
:icongiggles855:
giggles855 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
are u ok?
Reply
:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Um...yes, I'm fine. I'm curious why you're asking.
Reply
:icongiggles855:
giggles855 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
because i care i just whant to make sure you'r ok.
Reply
:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Well thank you, I'm fine. :)
Reply
:icongiggles855:
giggles855 Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
np
Reply
:iconamy-viz:
Amy-Viz Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
This was a very lovely piece. It's funny how mood effects your art. Don't fret too much on using big words. You want your audience to understand you're vision not just simply think that you are smart.
Reply
:iconannamaetezuka:
AnnamaeTezuka Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww, this was beautiful in a heart-wrenching way.
Reply
:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks :)
Reply
:iconannamaetezuka:
AnnamaeTezuka Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome :D
Reply
:iconfurniturekanon:
FurnitureKanon Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010
I really enjoyed this piece. It was ripe with emotion and even made me tear up a bit.
I love how you are expanding your vocabulary, believe this to be a derring-do. Some words may be abstruse for some but its good practice. Keep it up you are venerable after all. :D
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:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks! I'm glad you like it. :hug:
Reply
:iconthejadester:
TheJadester Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010
Wonderful. I could really feel the emotion here. :heart:
Reply
:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you. :D
Reply
:iconthejadester:
TheJadester Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2010
And thank YOU for the llama. :heart:
Reply
:iconirregularhonour:
Irregularhonour Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010
This is very intense and powerfully written. You can feel the emotion leap off at you from the page.

Just a tip though- which you probably already know. I noticed in the first paragraph that you used a few longish, slightly outdated words. It's truly good to see someone expand their vocabulary and preserve what is left of the English language. However, should you ever wish to rewrite this for it's own sake, and not just for practise, I would suggest you cut most of those words out. They distract the mind from the original intent of your work. I'm too lazy to check the google dictionary while browsing deviantart, so I'm sure I missed a meaning here or there in that first paragraph.

The rest though... I couldn't find anything at all obviously wrong with it. The meanings of some parts were ambiguous, however you are attempting to describe the inner workings of a person's heart and mind- so under the circumstances a little mystification is more then excusable.
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:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment!

I actually purposely added those long words to emphazise the fact that the speaker was flustered and her mind was beginning to weave out of control and such, but you're right, that would probably be a good idea to tone it down a bit. Thanks. :)
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:iconirregularhonour:
Irregularhonour Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010
I think that maybe if you made the sentences disjointed it would carry that point across more clearly.

You're welcome. And thanks for not taking offence.
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:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Okay, thanks so much for the tip. :) Hey, I asked for critique!
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:iconirregularhonour:
Irregularhonour Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010
Well, you got some. :D
Reply
:iconkallia-goldenwings:
kallia-goldenwings Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010
tht is just sweet but yet sad
Reply
:iconquonginongnong:
Quonginongnong Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010   Writer
Woooow~ I really liked this. It was a very harsh, grating read, yet it somehow flowed really well, as if it were natural that it seem so uncomfortable. Very nice, and the vocab made you seem like a scholar. ;D
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:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
^^; Thank you so much. I'm trying, that really means a lot. Thanks. :tighthug:
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:iconquonginongnong:
Quonginongnong Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010   Writer
No prob~ I'm glad to have stumbled upon your writing. ^_^ :glomp:
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:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
:hug:
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:iconkie-sama:
Kie-sama Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010
oh my gosh!! :crying: i love it
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:iconblue-a-touille:
Blue-A-Touille Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you. :)
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:iconkie-sama:
Kie-sama Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010
You're welcome ^-^
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