I couldn't do it.
There I stood, knees wobbling, fingers trembling by the door of the room I couldn't bear to enter. It was difficult enough to keep myself from sobbing at the sight of his name on the plate by the door, written by a dying pen with an endeavor to perform the complete opposite of clarification, but I already understood it as it was plainly written. Did the color fade in correspondence with the pace of his life avulsion? I despised these thought spates. My mind would soon be flooded with questions. Why couldn't it have been me? A voice inside screamed as it kicked the walls of my mind, that shock pulsing through to my stomach and almost back up to my throat, but I wouldn't let it, not now.
I had to do it.
I peered around the door into the room, just enough to see him lying in bed as peacefully as he had ever seemed, his silent breathing calming my aching nerves. His back was turned to me; he was clutching the sheets to the point where his knuckles had been drained of all color, but I didn't notice until I was actually paying attention to something other than my own fear. He's not dead yet you idiot, that voice shouted. You still have your chance.
He slowly turned his head. I froze when his brown eyes met mine. They had never before been so dark. Never had his skin been so pale and fragile.
My heart sank when he forced a smile.
It was a struggle to make my way over to his bedside. The grip of reality was beginning to loosen itself of me. "Hi."
"How are you?" He whispered.
I laughed. "To hell with me, how are you feeling?" I asked as I touched the hand that had been so tightly clasped around the sheet. He released it enough to hold mine. I had never quite felt something so cold.
"I don't know. I can hardly feel anything." He laughed. My vision began to blur at the sound of his soft aching voice. My heart was breaking.
His smile faded. "Please don't be sad, I'll be alright." He tightened his grip on my hand. It had never shaken so much before.
"Yes, you will. You'll be just fine."
I stared at the enormous bandage that covered over most of the left side of his chest. It was still bloodstained. I'll never lie to you. I'll never hurt you in a way that will scar your heart. I had promised just as much. I was not always fond of keeping a promise that should have never been made, even if it was against my will.
I was there when the doctors told his parents the news, the terrible 'what-if' that gave me nightmares on cold rainy nights. He had always been there for me in one way or another when those stormy, eradicating nightmares occurred. After this day
not anymore. How could you be so selfish? That voice scolded inside my head. You've lost everyone you have ever loved; you've condemned him to death.
My reality trip was coming to an end, and so did the tears. I could not accept this. It would follow through just as whatever fate intended, and after everything was over I would watch time pass by aimlessly before my eyes without blinking or giving it a second thought. I could not decipher what was real anymore. He would be gone soon, and so I had to convince myself that he had never existed.
"Can I ask you something?"
His voice was hardly more than a hoarse whisper. I forced myself to nod.
"Can I see a smile?"
I don't know what made me so happy, but a wave of pure satisfaction swept over me in that moment. I held his hand up to my face, an icy sensation against my hot cheeks burning from the red of my guilt, remorse, regret. My tears dripped red with shame.
"If there is anything I'd want before I
it would be to see your face, to kiss you, and to say a prayer with you. There's nothing that would make me happier. I'm sorry if that was inappropriate."
"No, you're just being honest, it's okay."
The voice inside my head whispered those words over and over again like a curse forever engraved within the most treasured and most despised depths of my memory. I remember the day he spoke them to me, and I had never forgotten them.
My hand was shaking furiously while gripping his, and I bowed my head. Forgive me, God, forgive me for throwing away the gift you have given me.
His smile faded. He knew exactly what I had done.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." My voice cracked through the tears.
"I did this."
"No you didn't. I did. For you."
How could he smile through the agony? Of course, it wasn't his.
"You shouldn't of. You should have let me take responsibility for my own mistakes."
"But you know me, I'm selfish. I don't want to see you hurt. I want you perfect."
I lost it. Both my reality, and my best friend.
"Please don't ever leave me." He whispered as he stroked my dark hair.
I managed a small smile. "I can't. You're always with me. Even when your heart is damaged, I'll always find my way into it."
I would not recall the tears as they rolled down my cheeks. I ignored what I was doing, I had forgotten the spark that brimmed from his iris' as I leaned closer, I could not recall that there really was life in them as I felt his soft, faint breath upon my skin, and I could see nothing, control nothing more. His heart drew me in; my own beat furiously, knowing he was crawling further and further inside, transcending all throughout the entire expanse of it. My free will had been cut off. I was all for him. I gently touched his soft lips with my own. The bond that lasted to infinity.
He knew he was going to die. He didn't care. He had me.